Converting Memories

My dad finally had all of our old home movies digitally converted from those little, 8mm video tapes that had to be loaded into the special slot of a larger VHS tape just to watch them. There were probably 70 or 80 of those little tapes, some labeled with thick, black marker, some left namelessly blank, all packed away neatly in an old, wooden clementine crate that sat under the TV in my parents’ bedroom for decades, collecting layers of dust.

Maybe it’s because I’m the youngest in the family, and it’s harder for me to remember a lot of the things that my older siblings recollect vividly, or maybe it’s just because I’m notoriously the most precious about capturing and preserving sentimental moments in the family, but when I was finally able to watch all of the videos at the click of a mousepad on my laptop computer, I relished in it. 

Hours would go by in what seemed like the blink of an eye. Sometimes, in between files, I would look up at the numbers in the top right hand corner of the screen and reluctantly realize how much time had passed, and how an elbow or a foot was asleep, tingling with numbness from the prolonged lack of circulation. I would exhale a deep sigh and cringe as I rearranged the position of my aching body parts, trying to decide if I should watch one more or cut myself off.

Other times, a small, rectangular alert box would pop into the middle of the screen, automatically stopping the movie to warn that the battery life was low. Usually, someone else in my family, my mother, or my sister, maybe, would start off watching with me, but they’d eventually drift away to other tasks or distractions long before I was ready to call it quits. 

I partly wondered if I had an addiction to reliving the past. I was fascinated and curious and mystified by it. It felt as if there was something necessary for me to understand, some undiscovered truth, buried deep inside the endless hours of Christmas mornings and birthday parties, school plays and Halloween fashion shows, and squealing giggles through summertime sprinklers in the backyard.

I felt a tragic sense of disconnection to the tiny, carefree human, smiling to show her missing teeth, or singing while she played in the sandbox, looking back at me through a dark, glass lens converted into small, plastic tapes converted into digital bytes of memory. 

She laughed joyously at her own knock-knock jokes and made up her own songs as she proudly sang them. Her hair stuck out wildly in every direction and her clothes didn’t match, but she simply couldn’t be bothered. She was too busy climbing trees and smashing rocks apart on the driveway to see what they looked like on the inside.

When she dunked her head under the freezing cold water in the kiddie pool and accidentally hit her face on the bottom, she bravely came back up, soaking wet and shivering, to confirm that she would be okay. 

I longed to know that little girl again. I searched and searched for the right shot, or the right sound, or the right anything that might confirm she still existed somewhere inside of me. That, even after growing up into an entirely different-looking body with a different-sounding voice, and even after forgetting so many specific moments over so many long, lost years, the little life I watched on the screen and the real life I lived outside of it could still be one and the same. 

For days, maybe even for weeks, I clicked through the video files, laughing and crying, fast forwarding and rewinding… but the little girl proved stubborn. She wouldn’t give up any hints. She wouldn’t pause, even for just a brief second, to look back at me and reflect a glimmer of promise. She kept the truth I so desired to find concealed behind her persistent, careful eyes. 

But then, what was I really expecting? Certainly, after watching all of those home movies until my limbs went numb, I knew better than anyone that the little girl was not just going to suddenly turn to me and surrender a token of understanding. 

No, instead, she was going to keep me searching for myself.

I'm Not Mad

I notice a disheveled old man sitting at the picnic table outside of Sunrise Convenience as I pull into the small, five-spot lot. I can feel his gaze through the front windshield as I turn my car off and gather my bag from the front seat. He watches me as I get out of the car and adjust my strapless dress before walking toward the entrance. As I pass by, he says, “Oh, might as well just pull it down! Hah hah hah…” 

With his redneck, gap-toothed intonation, it takes me half a second to realize what he’s said. I almost just smile and nod before the specific words register, but as soon as they do, I’m in too much shock to speak back. Instead, my brow instinctively furrows, my mouth turns down into a frown, and I’m shaking my head at him in disapproval. 

For the duration of the three minutes I spend inside buying a six pack of beer, I’m formulating exactly what I’m going to say to this dirty old bastard when I walk by him again. My first thought is something along the lines of “you’re an embarrassment to drunk, old pieces of shit everywhere” but then I realize that I might ultimately be more effective with disappointment than anger. The old “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” routine. 

So just as I’m staring the guy down, about to say “you may have meant that as a harmless joke, sir, but to a strong, young female like myself, it really just comes across as embarrassingly immature and rude—especially from someone your age” — just as I’m about to say that, he beats me to it. He speaks first, and he truly surprises me. 

“Ma’am, I’m very sorry. I’m very sorry for what I said. Shouldn’t have said that. That wasn’t right, I’m sorry for saying it.” 

I can hardly look at him as I force myself to respond with the sincere thought that’s going through my mind. “I appreciate your apology.” 

“Thank you, ma’am, I’m sorry,” he says once more as I’m shutting my car door. I make sure not to look at him again as I back out and pull onto the road. For most of the drive home, I wonder what the old guy’s childhood was like, what his mother was like… I wonder what she’d have thought of her son’s behavior.

LOOK WHAT WE MADE TAY DO

It would be a surprise if no one shared a negative reaction to a new Taylor Swift song. Or, for that matter, to anything new that the pop star says, does, or posts. That's part of the game.

A few days after the release of “You Need to Calm Down”, Taylor put out the music video, which generated just as much—if not more—scrutiny from all sides. To recap, here is a list of general complaints and criticisms I’ve gathered in the few days since the release of the music video: 

  1. Swift is making an appalling comparison between negative comments people make about her stardom and hateful slurs people use to attack the LGBTQ community. 

  2. As a straight woman, she is exploiting the real struggle of LGBTQ people and using her newly-declared allyship as a marketing tool. 

  3. It took her way too long to finally say anything political and now suddenly she’s shouting it out with lines as explicit as “shade never made anybody less gay” in her song. 

  4. She’s using the word “shade” wrong because she doesn’t know the history of the phrase. 

  5. The amount of LGBTQ celebrity cameos in the music video only highlights her elitist perspective on the true history and culture. 

  6. Both set design and costume design for the music video demonstrate ignorant stereotyping and a lack of sensitivity to serious economic and cultural tensions.

  7. The scene devoted to making up with Katy Perry is just a final testament to how Taylor Swift cannot possibly comprehend the magnitude of the LGBTQ struggle.

  8. Even the title of the song is a misstep, further perpetuating the harmful stigma that still exists around female hysteria. 

  9. After the less-than-perfect scores that Reputation may or may not have landed, Swift cowardly reverted back to her more upbeat, bubbly, and commercially successful style of music. 

It’s very possible that I’m missing pieces, or conflating ideas, or overlooking the nuances out of personal bias. With that in mind, here are my corresponding counterarguments, put as simply as possible:

  1. I have more respect for someone who tries to offer up an experience in which they felt attacked or vulnerable in order to relate to me or empower me than someone who doesn’t try at all.

  2. These days it’s more likely that the average American under the age of 30 has entertained bicurious thoughts or emotions than ever before. I’m not saying that Taylor Swift is coming out as anything, but I am saying that I know of several individuals who did not settle with one sex until their late 30s… if ever. 

    2a. As for the question of allyship and marketing tools, I’m fine with bashing Victoria’s Secret and YouTube for hypocritical support of LGBTQ… but it’s hard to deny that Taylor is practicing what she’s preaching (i.e. the donations, the Stonewall performance, the petition referenced at the end of the music video). 

  3. Yeah, Taylor was pretty silent about controversial issues for a long time—aside from relationship drama and her own personal feuds with other celebs. While I know I may be giving her too much genius cred with this counter, consider the possibility that, intentional or not, she’s managed to garner a wider and more diverse audience with this silence. And given her track record of expertly placed Easter eggs and precisely planned album rollouts, who is to say that this wasn’t part of some master plan? (Grains of salt here, because, yeah, admittedly, I also like to entertain the possibility that Taylor and Kanye’s feud was orchestrated from the very beginning by both of them as a sort of performance art piece.)

  4. I may have to concede on this one. The lyrics here really make me curious about the alternate lines that must have been beaten out by “shade never made anybody less gay”... it doesn’t make sense. I admit it. Shade has totally made people less gay in certain ways.

  5. Imagine that she didn’t have any LGBTQ cameos, though. Taylor is damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t. Also… Ellen. 

  6. I could maybe concede a little on this one… but I could also point out that choosing a trailer park as the setting is actually a logically sound metaphor and a somewhat historically accurate common ground between hicks and queens. I can acknowledge that Taylor may have been better off with a less provocative setting, but a trailer park inherently implies shared living space and community. Yes, it uncomfortably dramatizes the opposing sides, but was anyone this outraged when she dramatized women putting other women down with explosives and machine guns in the Bad Blood video? This is POP MUSIC!

  7. See Counterargument 1. 

  8. But, like... also kind of neutralizes and/or reclaims the sentiment. 

  9. Reputation was obviously a divergence from Taylor’s signature style. She’d been through a lot of drama and bullshit in the media, and, I mean, come on—the first single was titled “Look What You Made Me Do”—she wasn’t oblivious to the divergence. And who the hell makes up the rule that once you enter into a dark phase of life and art, you have to stay there and let it get darker. 

Reactions—like the ones that I’m sharing right now and the ones that others will then have to mine—are important. But intentions are important, too. 

Taylor Swift is a pop star, but she’s also a storyteller, and she is an expert at telling her own ongoing story through music. But is she telling someone else’s story with this new song in order to make herself look better? That’s a tricky question to answer when one of the major criticisms of the song points at her inserting her own struggles into the message. 

Taylor Swift’s intentions with her newest release are ultimately more important than any single reaction… but if any single reaction is worth mentioning, I’d say it’s less of an opinion and more of a question that her newest single raises:

What does it mean to be an ally of the LGBTQ community? 

Does it mean subtle, reserved support—humbly attending the right events and donating money to the right causes? 

Does it mean loud, radical support—publicly announcing a stand and angrily attacking the opposing side? 

Does it mean arguing with loved ones or calling government officials or marching and protesting in the streets?

Does it mean declaring your preferred pronoun in your Twitter bio or referring to your significant other as your “partner”? 

…Does it mean something different to everyone?

A SIMPLE PROCEDURE

It was nearing the end of the summer before my sophomore year of college. I sat in a plastic beige dentist chair and my mom sat across from me against the opposite wall. Her hands fidgeted with the thick manila folder labeled “EM’S MEDICAL HISTORY” that sat in her lap.

Stock photos of butterflies hung on the walls in frames that were trying too hard to make their contents look classy. Pamphlets about hair transplants lay open on the counter. Dr. Hurley was an Ear, Nose and Throat surgeon, but he also did plastic surgery and hair restoration. I’m sure he had his prestigious diplomas and certifications hanging on the walls in that office, too, but all I can remember are those butterflies—the strange details that crystallize as memories on the bookends of a traumatic event, like commemorative tassels of Before and After.

When he came in, his dark grey Sketchers squeaked over the linoleum. I remember looking down and noticing that his left sneaker was starting to wear, the stitches broken and fraying around his big toe.

Dr. Hurley casually flipped through the papers on his clipboard and then pushed my tongue aside with a giant wooden popsicle stick to gaze down my throat. “It’s a very simple procedure,” he said. “And given your past medical history, it’s certainly not something to be overlooked.”

My mother asked him if this was our best option. When she tried to offer him her collection of documents in the manila folder, I shot her a look.

“Mom,” I spoke sternly to get her attention. “He’s the doctor. I think he knows what he’s doing.”

“Okay, well.”

“It’s just a tonsillectomy. It’s not that big of a deal,” I insisted.

As usual, my mom was going overboard. She always does too much. She’s too accommodating, too nice. Like when I was younger, and I’d have friends over after school. I would cringe at how uncool she acted, being so overly friendly, offering them an array of food, or drink, or rides home. Or whenever she’d see someone who needed help in public, she’d drop everything to assist. One time, she helped an elderly woman in the parking lot of Stop & Shop and then somehow ended up taking her to doctor appointments for the next two years until the woman died, and then my mom helped plan her funeral. How does that happen? My mother: defiant only in the face of the bystander effect.

I used to feel angry and embarrassed about her seemingly unnecessary kindness.

“You’re probably making people uncomfortable, Mom.” Or, “If you’re too nice then people will walk all over you, Mom.” Or, “You didn’t need to bring that whole folder in for the doctor, Mom.”

Hospital visit number one is really the only one that I don’t confuse with all of the others. I sat next to my mother in the waiting room thoughtlessly watching CNN on the mounted TV up in the corner, my large, inflamed tonsils still intact. Though I didn’t want to show it, I was dreading the moment soon to come when I would have to part ways with my mother. For whatever reason, getting wheeled away from her on a hospital bed while wearing an oversized gown and treaded socks felt so much harder than watching her drive away after dropping me off at college for the first time. Why can’t she come into the operating room and hold my hand while they put me under?

“Just breathe deeply,” the strangers instructed. As I drew in breaths of plastic-flavored sleeping gas, the fluorescent lights and masked faces faded into a blur of pale shadows. With the last bit of consciousness left undrained by the anesthesia, I wondered what my mother was doing. Is she worrying about me right now?

I awoke into an instance of pure confusion followed by the sudden realization of beeping IV bags and nurses standing near me. Unfamiliar latex hands unhooked wires and tubes on my arms as I struggled to open my eyes wider. I was shivering and sharp pains shot up through my neck to my ears and nose. Upon remembering that two chunks of tissue had just been sliced out of the back of my throat, the stinging seemed to intensify. Speaking, or even swallowing, felt entirely out of the question.

I didn’t know how to get the attention of the strangers milling around the room. Finally, a nurse made eye contact with me. I rubbed my arms to show her I was cold, and held my throat to tell her I was in pain. As she pulled a blanket over me and pushed more medicine into my IV, I tried to think of a gesture to communicate “Where’s my mom?”

Back home, a bed was already prepared for me on the living room couch. The next couple of days were a miserable process of trial and error. The chocolate pudding was slimy and got stuck in the back of my throat. The juice of the fruit flavored popsicles was sharp and acidic, stinging with each attempted swallow. Tirelessly, my mom brought me different flavors, different textures, and different tastes to test out. It was like being in the sixth grade again, when my friends would come over and be offered different snacks every hour. Only now, I felt deeply grateful for it.

Communication was another challenge. She found an old clipboard in my dad’s desk and clipped in a short stack of computer paper. She would sit by my side and help me take my medicine as I would write to her on the clipboard. All over the paper, at different angles and in different places, phrases like “need more medicine” and “hurts too much to swallow” jumbled together and overlapped like desperate graffiti.

I wasn’t home for more than a couple of days when the complications began.

When I drank the liquid Vicodin, I felt sick to my stomach, and when I didn’t, the pain in my throat became unbearable. I spent hours in our guest room bathroom vomiting as my mother brought me fresh glasses of ginger ale from the kitchen. Vomiting shortly after throat surgery is something I would not wish on my worst enemies.

It seemed that the nausea was my biggest problem until 1:30 in the morning on the third night. At first, I couldn’t understand why I had woken up. No one had nudged me, said my name; nothing had fallen or made any noise. But the taste in my mouth was too sweet and metallic to sleep through. I turned on the little flashlight my mom had been using to look down my throat and weakly spit into the white styrofoam cup on the coffee table. Bright red speckles gleamed from the inside. I sat up on our family room couch and shook my mother, who was asleep on the floor next to me, lying on three couch cushions with a small blanket draped over her. She could have easily slept in the guest room right down the hall, but had insisted on staying by my side. I choked out the words “Mom, I think I’m bleeding.”

A tonsillectomy is, in theory, a rather simple procedure—a few hours in the hospital, two weeks of soft foods, and voila! But with all simple procedures like this, there are those small chances and rare risks that must be addressed and then can usually be forgotten. Unfortunately, I will never forget the fact that five percent of tonsillectomy patients may experience postoperative bleeding—a complication that requires immediate follow-up surgery to cauterize the source of the bleeding or the patient will bleed to death.

Within minutes, the doctor had been called, the car was started, and I was sitting in the front seat with a bucket of blood and tissues in my lap. As my father sped through every red light in our path, the shade of red inside my bucket grew deeper and darker. If I tried to straighten my head and neck, the blood would seep down the back of my throat, so for the entirety of the 45-minute drive to the hospital my head hung down like a dying sunflower, spitting blood into a bucket. From the back seat, my mother reached her soft, wrinkled hand forward to hold mine, shaking and bloodstained.

Everyone in the ER waiting area stared at me, blood oozing down my chin and tears hysterically flowing from my eyes. The lady at the front desk asked me a couple of questions—all of which had to be answered by my mother—and attached a hospital bracelet around my wrist. Moments later, I was wheeled into an examination room and the doctors began their work.

“We are not going to go straight into surgery. If we can cauterize here and avoid putting you under again, then we will.”

I wasn’t entirely sure what that meant until one doctor handed the other what looked like oversized matchsticks. And it wasn’t until I heard the words “silver nitrate” that I started to panic. I knew silver nitrate. That was the burning chemical a dermatologist had used on the warts on my foot in middle school. It had been one of the worst pains I had ever felt back then on my foot, but that pain paled in comparison to the inside of my throat.

It felt like a branding iron fresh out of the fire was digging into the back of my mouth. And it wasn’t helping. The blood started to flow heavier and heavier, spilling down my chest and congealing into chunks in my molars. I spoke the loudest that I had been able to speak in the past three days when I cried to them to stop.

“Please, please just do the surgery.”

At this point, the scene had become so gruesome that both my father and sister had had to leave the room due to weak stomachs. My mother was the only one left to nod her head yes in agreement.

This string of events happened essentially in the same manner three more times in the following ten days. Just when we thought I was home for good, and that I was past the bleeding, I would get that sweet, metallic taste again. I spent the majority of my two weeks of “recovery” in the hospital. At night, I’d lie on the cot, sweating out the IV medicine and listening to my senile roommates groan. The familiar nurses would stop at my door saying “Not again!” or “You’re back?” My bruised arms took on the appearance of a drug addict, poked with needles for blood testing and IVs over and over again. No one could figure out why my tonsillectomy had gone so terribly wrong.

My mother, of course, refused to leave me alone in the hospital, watching TV with me during the day and sleeping on a plastic-cushioned chair by my side at night. After my third surgery, which took place at two in the morning, my father and sister went home to get some sleep. My mom waved goodbye to them then sat down by my side and took my hand in hers. Looking into her kind face, I noticed an opaque tint of grey darkening under her eyes, like small storm clouds. The whites of her eyes were turning pink and though she smiled at me from the plastic-cushioned chair, I knew I was not the only one suffering. I held back tears as I reached for the clipboard and wrote to her.

Through five surgeries, six different doctors, and a dozen different nurses, my mother was the one who remained constant. Up until my fifth and final surgery, I had to be wheeled out of the hospital in a wheelchair when I was discharged. Thankfully, after this last hospital visit, I felt strong enough to walk through the halls that I had only ever seen before from a rolling bed. When we stepped out onto the sidewalk and my dad pulled the car up, I turned to my mother. We hugged, both of us crying and smiling at the same time.

A little while after I finally made a full recovery, my mom and I were in CVS together, standing in line behind an elderly man with white hair and worn blue jeans. He was struggling to get the right amount of change out of his pocket while the young cashier stared on impatiently.

“Sir, I think I have the right change, here,” my mom said to the man. She was holding our plastic basket filled with everything I needed to go back to school, so she handed her wallet to me as the man graciously thanked her.

Months earlier, I may have rolled my eyes or heaved a sigh under my breath. I may have shot her a look, or grumbled to myself. But instead, I readily opened the brown leather wallet, thick with its familiar cards and papers, and noticed something new. A piece of paper, ripped around the edges, had been tucked in next to the faded family pictures. I handed the man a few coins before examining my mother’s wallet a bit closer.

A few words were scribbled across the small scrap of ripped computer paper.

“Thank you for staying here with me. I love you, Mom.”

PUTTING IT OUT THERE

I absentmindedly stared through my window at a giant penis for three years before the thought of questioning its omnipresence even occurred to me.

It was one of my last nights in Brooklyn. Earlier in the evening, while enjoying a few drinks at an outdoor bar with some of my girlfriends, a lull in the conversation prompted one of us to whisper “penis”, which then prompted another one of us to say it a bit louder, which, of course, then initiated a good old-fashioned round of The Penis Game.

Within three or four more exclamations at our table, the game had infiltrated the entire outdoor patio space, spreading from table to table with each bolder, louder shriek of that short, simple word. Nothing brings strangers together like an unexpected and public eruption of The Penis Game.

Later that night, perched on my fire escape for a smoke and looking out across the Brooklyn skyline, one building in particular returned my mind to the joyous shouts at the bar. You see, I was living in an apartment in Gowanus with a comically direct view of the Williamsburgh Savings Bank Tower. If you were sitting on the couch in the living room, you were facing two large windows, and those two large windows were just twelve short blocks southwest of the protuberant tower.

No matter which direction you spin your view of this building though, its architectural shape has all the right angles in all the right places to resemble a giant limestone penis. In fact, as I learned that evening, it was this very building that, back in 2003, prompted the official World’s Most Phallic Building contest.

The whole thing initially began with an article by writer Jonathan Ames for Slate magazine. In the article, he described his own opinion of the building:

Yesterday, my girlfriend and I went to Coney Island. It was overcast, the sky looked like it was pregnant with skim milk, but we were feeling intrepid and so we went anyway.

I always like the subway ride to Coney Island, because the train comes out of its hole beneath the ground, like a worm trying something new, and flies above the borough for most of the journey. It becomes an elevated train, though it doesn't act pretentious.

When it first pops out of the ground, you can see, on your right, the ocean and the Marlon Brando-ish docks; on the left, you can see, dominating the Brooklyn skyline, the Williamsburgh Bank building, which is the most obviously phallic building I've ever seen. It's so penislike it's embarrassing. Some clever lesbian Internet gal in Park Slope—a Brooklyn neighborhood with a healthy Sapphic population—should design a Williamsburgh Bank dildo, market it over the Web and make a fortune, since all New York-themed trinkets are in demand.

I have to say, the eye is always drawn to this bank-penis. Living in Brooklyn is like being in a locker room with Shaquille O'Neal. You can't help but stare.

With that, Ames had unintentionally started a heated debate. A significant amount of readers started writing in to respond to the article and dispute his claim with their own big-dicked theories. Thus, it was inevitable; a contest had to be held to determine where the world’s true biggest dick stands erect.

Is it the giant, four-sided, timekeeping penis-bank that stared through the windows of my Brooklyn apartment?

What about the tall, sturdy structure, flanked on both sides with two low domes, that is the Florida State Capitol Building in Tallahassee?

Or maybe, the Torre Glòries—that giant, sparkling geyser of illuminating hope that stands tall in Barcelona as an ode to the forgotten past of Hotel Attraction. (If you don’t know the story behind Hotel Attraction, go follow it. Especially if you’ve ever entertained any sort of 9/11 conspiracy theory in the dark alleys of your mind.)

Turns out, none of the above.

After Cabinet magazine created a website for the contest so that entries could be submitted, the deliberation began. Though it was the Florida State Capitol Building that technically garnered the most votes in a readers’ poll, the winning title was given to the Ypsilanti Water Tower. According to the Cabinet editors, this building “is clearly the world’s most phallic.” Also known as the “Brick Dick”, this structure has stood on the highest point in Ypsilanti, Michigan since its first (and only) erection back in 1890.

Regardless of the results though, it can’t be forgotten that the contest would have never even taken place without its first looming entry, the Williamsburgh Savings Bank Tower. The same one that I finally decided to Google that evening after loudly shouting “PENIS” at it into the night sky and crawling back through the window into my apartment.

As I scanned the Wikipedia page for the building, I had to snort-laugh at the fact that Magic Johnson apparently converted the top part of it into luxury condominiums. Is that really just supposed to be taken as some kind of silly coincidence? Is the absurdly priapic shape of all of these contest entries actually meant to be viewed as accidental, or subconscious?! What is the deal?!?!

The next morning, I made my usual walk over the Union Street Bridge and across the Gowanus Canal toward 4th Avenue.

A few months before, a short section of sidewalk between Bond and Nevins had been repaved, and in the brief period of wet cement, an anonymous opportunist saw one of the smooth squares of new pavement as a blank canvas. Spanning across the width of the sidewalk square, two big balls and one large shaft had been set in stone for all to see… and step over.

When I got to this particular square, I paused for a moment to look down at a big, stone penis, and then to look up at a big, stone penis. And if I’m being quite honest, I once again had to laugh.

As a strong, independent female in the age of Times Up and #MeToo, it’s tempting to chalk all of this genital symbolism up to “toxic masculinity” or misogynistic displays of power, or something. But after more research and more laughter, I know for sure that that’s not how I view all of these big dicks.

The truth, if you ask me, about the impulse to obsessively recreate penises (think Jonah Hill in Superbad) is as simultaneously simple and complex as the truth about life. Life is scary, and funny, and beautiful, and strange. It’s hard to understand and even harder to control—and when we can’t control it, it shows. Sometimes it has a firm and direct path, other times it flops all over the place. It’s a part of us, but it is also outside of us. The penis is separate and vulnerable in a way that—unfortunately for men—is distinctly different from female genitalia.

And considering all of the pain, stress, and struggle that women undergo to carry the creation of life forward, how can you not find a little humor in artistic renderings of a big old penis’s flip-flopping vulnerabilities?

TO CHOOSE OR NOT TO CHOOSE

In the debate of free will versus predestination, I like to choose not to choose.

It’s neither alone because it’s both together. The two systems interact and perpetuate each other. Something like, my future self already exists on another plane, and I’m subconsciously choosing to follow the map of her memories.

That being said, a few disclaimers.

  1. I am well aware of my astronomically lucky draw in the game of life. I don’t know how or why, but my soul found its way to this planet in the healthy body of a baby girl born into a white-collared white-skinned financially stable American family in the early 1990s. Receiving every resource a child needs to succeed in this world was built into my existence from the first moment I opened my eyes and I had no choice in that.

  2. I’m not saying I wouldn’t have asked for this existence—if my soul was waiting in some kind of universal queue to inhabit an earthly being and it was given a choice between impoverished suffering and privileged comfort, I’d have obviously chosen the latter. To the best of my knowledge though, I was never offered that choice.

As a good friend recently expressed to me, terms like “mid-life crisis” or “quarter-life crisis” are inaccurate and arbitrary.

“I hate that term,” he said. “If I die when I’m 50, then this is my mid-life crisis!”

At first, I had to laugh at the irony of a 25-year-old guy feeling anxious about whether he should be referring to his existential thoughts and emotions about life and death as his quarter-life crisis or his mid-life crisis.

But then, I had to think a bit deeper about the implications of this time-sensitive terminology and agree with him. If it wasn’t already stressful enough to feel like your purpose in life has slipped away from you and your satisfaction with the world you’ve built around yourself is deconstructing, let’s go ahead and label your situation with the approximate time you might have left to do anything about it.

When social scientist Elliot Jaques coined the term “mid-life crisis” in an essay he wrote in 1965, he was using creative geniuses like Dante as his study subjects. Jaques was interested in the way that these people’s creative processes changed as they came closer to the truth of their inevitable mortality, but the ideas in his essay resonated widely and his terminology became a point of reference in popular psychology. What followed were years of research, studies, and statistics on the reality of the phenomenon of a mid-life crisis—does it really happen? Why does it happen? What types of people are the most affected by it? How do we combat it?!

Unsurprisingly, the answers to these questions seem to be entirely dependent on the psychological and philosophical disposition of the individual.

So, instead of saying that a year ago, I turned 25 and had a quarter-life crisis, I’ll say that a year ago, I turned 25 even though I did not want to turn 25. It was my first unwanted birthday, and it presented me with a perplexing truth: I can’t make a choice about how much time I’ve spent here or how much time I have left here, but I can make a choice about everything else.

In all of those theories and studies on the concept of a mid-life crisis, there’s a common driving force: death. The big D. The final curtain. No longer being. As we get closer to it, we have fewer opportunities to make choices until at last, we are completely powerless to our mortality. The stereotypical crisis often manifests in the form of some choice a person can still make in order to feel younger, or further away from death. The choice serves another purpose, though; not only does it make you feel like you’ve got more time to find yourself, it also uncovers a bit more of your map to doing so.

I remember learning about the psychology of choices in high school—how certain studies have shown that people are happier with their lot when they don’t have much choice in changing it compared to those who are less satisfied when they are able to make changes. Interesting.

Interesting… and enlightening for me as a young, capable, well-educated kid in the first half of my twenties. Right out of college, I stumbled into a job in advertising in New York City. It was interesting enough, and the young, hip company culture was laid back and fun. After a year and a half there, I delighted in how easy and predictable the rest of my career could be if I stayed. But another year or so after that, I realized I was far from happy.

Making choices has plagued us humans for far too long. And making the scary, risky choices has been given a bad rap ever since interpretations of the Bible vilified Eve for actually daring to think for herself and learn by doing. In the ongoing quest for purpose and understanding, I think there must be times when free will is more important than goodwill.

When I turned 25, I felt completely lost on my search for purpose and understanding. So as I ventured into the second half of my twenties, I began to greet my freedom to make choices with a gracious embrace. I started with the most risky and least glamorous choice of all—to leave my secure job at a bougie New York agency and try something different. Quitting that job was my forbidden fruit—the choice I was constantly wondering about, the action that I felt I needed to take if I was ever going to find my own truth in life.  

As a graduate of Middlebury College, I can’t write this article without a decent nod to that classically misinterpreted poem “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost.

Frost wrote the poem for his best friend as an inside joke. Only, his friend—an English poet named Edward Thomas—didn’t understand the joke at first. It took six letters back and forth between Thomas and Frost before Thomas eventually acknowledged the irony of the poem. He did not find the joke funny.

Frost and Thomas met in England right before World War I. The two became fast friends, and they’d often take walks through the woods of Gloucestershire together. Thomas had an irrational fixation on the varying possible outcomes of choosing one path to walk versus another, convinced that a particular choice was bound to lead to something extraordinary—a bird’s nest, or a patch of rare wildflowers. Frost was thoroughly amused with his friend’s paralyzing indecision.

Shortly after the war broke out, Frost returned to America, but was in serious talks with Thomas about his own possible emigration to the states. Thomas, in characteristic manner, was not quick to make a decision between fleeing his homeland or staying to fight for it.

Frost was always laughing at Thomas for so harshly lamenting his own decisions after he made them, always wishing he had made the opposite in retrospect. To Frost, it was not about one life-altering decision, but rather about the succession of infinite choices in life and one’s ability to feel content with a decision and then progress to the next one. So when Thomas would complain about choosing the wrong path, Frost would readily insist that Thomas would be sighing at his choice, no matter which one he picked. When Frost wrote this assessment into a poem for Thomas, he did not foresee the lasting impact it would have on his best friend’s path.

Edward Thomas was just about ready to move his life to America when he received the poem. Shortly thereafter, he changed his mind one final time and enlisted for the war. It was his defining chance to make his own decision, to travel down his own road. Three months later, on his first day in battle, Thomas was killed. Unfortunately, for him, there was that one life-altering decision.

I don’t think that makes Frost wrong. Again, it’s neither alone because it’s both together.

Sometimes we know that a certain decision will redraw our entire map; other times we’ll have no way of predicting it. But if you do find yourself with the crazy, amazing blessing of an opportunity to travel that other path, study that other map, or take that other road, and you’ll always wonder about it otherwise, do your future self a favor and at least acknowledge it. Who knows, maybe it’ll help you avoid some kind of mid-life crisis.

So, why did I quit my fancy job and leave New York to head back to the drawing board at the age of 25?

Because I was lucky, young, and alive enough to still have a choice.